i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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