$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
