somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
