I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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