I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize