I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
