I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.