I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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