got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
