Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.