I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
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Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
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