I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
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You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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