well I can't set my house on fire every night
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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