I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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