I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
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i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
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The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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