Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
