did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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