I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
