I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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