I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
