I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
