college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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