He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
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EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
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"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's so Britney 2007, you know?