anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
17 People Reveal The Reasons Behind Their Foot Fetish
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.