you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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