Christians are straight up FREAKS
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
