How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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