I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
