it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
