At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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