guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
