my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
