I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
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I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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