My liver just broke up with me...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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