i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
