Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
