I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
