And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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