The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
P.S. I can't hear my feet
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Randomize
