I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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