Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
