there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
