***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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