using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
