I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.