she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads