so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
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I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
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bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just wanna be euthanized