I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
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Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
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I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.