This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
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I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
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I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.