he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.