I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
