I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize