I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
