I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
