is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
